29 May 2014

The Wisdom of Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-
 Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-
 Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-
 Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-
 Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-
 Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-
 Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-
 Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-
 Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-
 Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-
 Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-
 Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-
 Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-
 Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-
 Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-
 Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-
 Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-
 Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-
 Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-
 Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-
 Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-
 Phyllis Diller


h/t AJDShootist

10 comments:

Sunnybrook Farm said...

It is strange how I hear her voice and see here with the cigarette and wild hair when I read those, I almost had to stop. lol

Rev. Paul said...

She once said, "It's not hair - it's nerve endings." :)

JMD said...

I personally never liked her or several other "current" models. Sorry. Example, Joan Rivers, Joyce Behr, for those that enjoy I have no problem.

Cathy said...

OK. That last one. Pretty funny.
However. In the coming years it will read:

With Obama Care . . you'll know you're old when the death panel denies you care beyond pain meds..

Old NFO said...

+1 on Sunnybrook, and that cackle... :-)

Rev. Paul said...

No worries, JMD; I always recognized that she was a highly subjective taste.

Cathy, that kinda sucks all the joy of out of the joke. Just like ObamaCare. I wish that were funnier.

NFO - unforgettable, wasn't she?

threecollie said...

Oh, these are good....vintage...and yet still funny. You can almost hear the badabing.

Rev. Paul said...

Agreed, threecollie. :)

armedlaughing said...

I remember seeing her on 'You Bet Your Life' when she first started out, pre-nose job.
She was something!

gfa

Rev. Paul said...

Yep, she was a big deal back then. Not everyone's cup of tea, but definitely first of her kind, I think.