10 February 2015

Differences Between North and South

The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services; the South has family reunions. (Yes, that's a joke to make all y'all Northerners feel better.)

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has NASCAR.

The North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.

The North has green salads with lettuce; the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters; the South has crawdads. And catfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt. The South definitely got the better deal on this one.



FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

"Well, bless your heart" isn't necessarily a blessing. 

Get used to hearing, "Y'all ain't from 'round here, are y'all?"

Save all manner of bacon grease; you’ll be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you, either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ole," as in "big ole truck", or "he's a big ole boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The "proper" pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin’” is a valid Southern defense. The remedy is to be polite.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" you should stay out of the way. These may likely to be the last words he (or she) will ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, or that they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. There's a good chance all of them can shoot better than you can.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. (This works in New Mexico, Arizona, and the high Mojave as well; the difference is that they try to gravel the entire front yard.)


One last thing:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think they'll necessarily be accepted as Southerners ... at least not right away. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

11 comments:

Steve said...

The toothbrush was invented in the south. Anywhere else and it would have been called a teethbrush.

Rev. Paul said...

Now, now, Steve; I was tryin' to be polite.

Besides, us Southerners have plenty of things we could say about Yankees. :)

Rob said...

Padre after 6 years in Fla, you are so right all on counts. The first thing we noticed when we returned to Mn was Soda was again called pop..:)

Rev. Paul said...

Rob - it's called "pop" up here, too. At least it was, when we first moved up. There are so many Outsiders in Anchorage that there are hardly any Alaskan sayings anymore. An hour away, now ... that's a different story.

Well Seasoned Fool said...

What has six breasts and eight teeth?
The wait staff at Waffle House.

Bad, yes I know. In fact, have never had bad service at a Waffle House.

threecollie said...

And the South has Chick fil a. The North has Whole Foods

Sandy said...

Rev. Paul,

The south has Publix (a great grocery store) and the north have Wal-Mart.

Rev. Paul said...

WSF - I'd say "naughty, naughty" with a smile, but I doubt you'd regret having said it. Heh.

threecollie - we have both, here, along with a healthy sprinkling of folks from all over.

Sandy, we don't have Publix, but we do have a good choice of grocery stores. Safeway & Kroger - (not by those names, though) keep the rest of 'em honest.

Eagle said...

Actually, Whole Foods was founded and is headquartered in Austin, Texas. Not exactly the North.

C. S. P. Schofield said...

I had only glancing experience with the South, despite living in the Washington area for about 20 years (Washington is NOT Southern. Washington is another planet entirely.). Nevertheless, it was my observation that in the South the term SOB covers two groups. There are Sons Of Bitches (pronounced "Sonsobitches" or occasionally "Cletus") and there are Swell Old Boys. And if you have a brain in your head you will cultivate the acquaintance of the latter as protection against the former.

Rev. Paul said...

Eagle, Austin isn't really in Texas. My Texan friends say it's on another planet. :)

CSPS, you are quite correct in both your observations and recommendations. Heh.