01 April 2015

Police Blotter: Make Him Stop Spanking Me!

A fight, of indeterminate origin, broke out on the vessel from which a man had recently fallen. The four involved men were all intoxicated and could not explain exactly how or why the fight started. No significant injuries were reported.

Liquor Law Violation
Officers followed up on a report of possible underage drinking and found instead a surly man, of age to drink, who had various choice words for the doorman who had earlier told him to leave.

Caller reported gigantic boulders on the roadway. A strong and able officer removed them so that traffic might safely pass.

Drunk Disturbance
A rather inebriated and tottering man was seen urinating on a taxi cab. The man, who wasted an inordinate amount of time not identifying himself, was advised to keep his urine to himself when in public.

Suspicious Person/Activity
Officer contacted a group of people inside a hotel room after noting a strong odor of marijuana emanating from that location. All five occupants, including the one who quickly used the toilet as soon as the officer arrived, denied having any illicit drugs. A pipe was discovered outside the room's open window but no other contraband was found.

Security Check Request
A man who received a phone call that appeared to have originated from a vessel on which nobody was supposed to be on board, asked officers to verify that the vessel was secure. Officers found that all doors and windows on the boat were properly latched and locked.

Welfare Check
A man who could barely remain upright due to his level of intoxication asked officers to remove his brother from their abode, because he believed his brother was too inebriated to stand. The officer pointed out the hypocrisy of such action and suggested that the men simply remain seated until they were somewhat more sober.

Suspicious Person/Activity
A man wished to report that he had been spanked by the assistant cook of the vessel on which he was employed. The captain when told laughed at the man, who returned to work only to be spanked a second time. Officers advised the man to contact either AST or USCG, as the incident occurred outside of local jurisdiction.


ProudHillbilly said...

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
person, and she must pay the pen1alty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
And me.
And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

Chickenmom said...

'Ya grow strong officers up there - able to move gigantic boulders all by himself!

Rev. Paul said...

PH - that's a nice reference, right there. :)

Chickenmom - I told you Alaskans are tough!