17 December 2015

Christmas Gifts for Real Alaskans

Just some suggestions of items popular among long-time residents, or those they wish they had:

Alaskan repair kit:

What every Alaskan needs: duct tape, Heet, whiskey, WD-40, pine-scented air fresheners, glue, fishing line, baling wire

Alaskan army knife:

Swiss army knives are for Europeans. Corkscrews and nail files may come in handy at your chalet in Gstaad, but we Alaskans demand more from our multi-tools. Components are specifically designed to open without making you put down your beverage of choice,  and include: pull-tab scratcher, fish bonker, miniature chain saw, windshield squeegee, caribou de-boner, caribou re-boner, extra-strong toothpick reinforced to handle even the most stubborn homemade jerky, and a bolo tie (Don Young signature model only).

Bun Finder:
Maps a route to the nearest available cinnamon roll within a 1,000-mile radius.

Locates your lost GPS, which you swear you stashed in a dry bag somewhere in your garage, shed, crawl space or storage unit. Although it’s entirely possible you loaned it to any one of 20 people who literally may be anywhere right now.


Ed Bonderenka said...

Works for Michigan.

threecollie said...

Oh, I want that knife. Even though we don't have any caribou. I'll bet it would work on White Tails. Alas, the bun finder, which would be a real asset in many locales, would prolly only take me down to McDonald's for those fakey things they sell. You can see the sign from the pasture/

Guffaw in AZ said...

Don't whisky, WD40 and Heet all interchange?


PS - you forgot Hoppe's!

Rev. Paul said...

Ed, it probably works for all the northern tier of states. Mostly, anyway.

threecollie, I wouldn't mind one, either. And yeah, some caribou aren't any larger than a whitetail. Elk & moose ... now that's another story.

Guffaw, I strongly suspect that the article's author is a city-born, city-bred hoplophobe who thinks that bears are just our misunderstood cousin. Me? I think Hoppe's No. 9 makes a great aftershave. :)

Guffaw in AZ said...

Or women's perfume?


Rev. Paul said...

Indeed, my friend. A powerful attractant. :)